Clinton's first 'concession' speech
By CARL HIAASEN
By CARL HIAASEN
Rejected first draft of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's ''concession'' speech:
My fellow Americans,
For 17 months I've traveled this great country, talking and listening and sharing my vision of a new America, in hopes that you'd choose me as the Democratic nominee for president.
As the
delegate count rose in my opponent's favor, many wise and well-meaning people asked me to drop out of the race for the sake of the party.Instead I hung on and continued fighting, long after there was absolutely no mathematical chance of winning -- not a prayer in hell, to be honest.
Yet I carried on relentlessly [pause for a feisty smile], taking our battle to the hills of West Virginia, the beaches of Puerto Rico and the plains of South Dakota.
Why? you probably asked yourself. Doesn't she know how to use a pocket calculator? Why drag this thing out any longer?
Because I was in denial, my fellow Americans.
It's true. Basically I couldn't deal with the fact that some rookie senator from Illinois came out of nowhere and snatched away the nomination.
Just one short year ago, a Hillary victory looked like a slam dunk. A sure thing. A lock.
Remember? I had the money. I had the machine. I had the momentum.
And, last but not least, I had my husband -- a popular, charismatic former president -- campaigning day and night on my behalf.
How could I lose? It seemed unthinkable. Even now I have to pinch myself [pause and twist the skin on right arm] to be sure this isn't just a bad dream.
To all my loyal supporters, I urge you not to be angry, bitter or resentful. Yes, it's tempting to dwell on the what-ifs [refer to list] . . .
What if the bright bulbs who run our party hadn't punished Florida and Michigan for moving up their primaries? What if I hadn't gone along with the idea of not seating those delegates, instead of waiting until I fell behind before noticing the unfairness of it all?
What if I'd paid more attention to the early caucuses? What if Bill hadn't spouted off in South Carolina? What if I hadn't repeatedly ''misremembered'' me and Chelsea landing under fire in Bosnia, when in actuality it was a gala welcome?
No longer in denial
Most crucially, what if Barack Obama hadn't been invited to give the keynote speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention, making him an overnight star? What if they'd picked somebody older and duller to speak, like Walter Mondale or even Robert Byrd?
Well, my fellow Americans, what's done is done. This is not a dream, and I'm no longer in denial.
To all the super-delegates, including many dear friends, who've switched their support to my opponent, let me say that I respect your decision, and there are no hard feelings [keep smiling].
Democratic voters have spoken, and it's time to move on. The only fair and honorable course is for me to step partially aside, and to share the nomination with my worthy opponent.
Yes, you heard me right. Sen. Obama and I can continue to make political history this year -- as the first co-nominees of the Democratic Party!
Impossible, you say? As the events of this remarkable primary season have taught us, nothing is impossible in the United States.
After all, who would have believed that, after 200 years, a major political party would suddenly embrace an African-American candidate for president?
And in the same year I was running! What are the odds?
Thirty-five million Americans voted either for myself or my opponent in the primaries, and together we'd make an unbeatable team in the upcoming campaign.
Combine my vast foreign policy experience and bold healthcare initiatives with Sen. Obama's sparkling oratory and dashing good looks, and you're talking electoral gold. A co-equal candidacy would galvanize voters from coast to coast.
And come November, after we soundly trounce the Republicans, one of us will graciously defer and accept the title of vice president, purely as a constitutional nicety.
Visit the White House
We could decide by a simple flip of the coin -- or two flips out of three, if necessary.
The loser could, of course, visit the White House as often as he likes and sit in on all my important meetings, whenever Bill's out of town and there's an extra chair.
Anyway, those arrangements can be worked out later, after we've finished the important mission that lies ahead. Today it's time for all Democrats to come together . . . [wait for wild applause] . . . and focus all our energy on beating John McCain this fall.
Make way, America, for the Hilla-Bama Express!
Why does this first draft ring a lot truer than that concession speech we heard. Is ole' Pecoz the only one that noticed she kept her hands down instead of waving them around so's nobody could see her fingers were crossed.
We dodged the Hellary button for now Pilgrims, but just like 'Freddy Kruger' of Elm Street, I fear that she'll be back as soon as we let down our guard!
No comments:
Post a Comment