Ostrich farms for illegals ... even I couldn't make it up
Richard Littlejohn, 18th December 2007
This week's festive edition of You Couldn't Make It Up comes from an ostrich farm in Iran and is brought to you as part of a £
36 million sponsorship deal with the Government.
That's how much ministers have spent so far bribing illegal immigrants to go home.
Failed asylum seekers are being given grants of £4,000 each to help them set up businesses in their country of origin.
As well as the aforementioned Iranian ostrich farm, British taxpayers are also bankrolling a beauty salon in Zimbabwe, a car dealership in Kenya, an Islamic dress shop in Sudan, a ferry in the Democratic Republic of Congo, a hotel in Nepal, a shoe factory in China, a market stall in Jamaica and an internet cafe in Ecuador.
Oh, I nearly forgot the fish farm in Angola and the Albanian vineyard.
A Sunday newspaper reporter turned up at the Home Office-funded International Organisation of Migration posing as a bogus refugee from India.
He said had been living here illegally for 11 years and had most recently been making a living selling drugs.
He told his case officer that he wanted to return to India to open a travel agency to help more illegal immigrants come to Britain.
Despite his admission of criminality and the dubious nature of his alleged enterprise - which would actually make illegal immigration worse - the official drew him up a business plan and promised him a grant of £4,000, enough for an airline ticket, rent, a car, office equipment and three months' money for two members of staff.
So far, more than 23,000 people have taken advantage of this ludicrous scheme.
Why wouldn't they, especially when there's nothing to stop them returning to Britain when the money runs out?
With warped logic, the Home Office tries to justify this lunacy by claiming it works out cheaper than forced deportation, which costs £11,000 a head.
Where do they get that figure from? How much can a pair of handcuffs and a one-way goat class ticket cost?
One lucky recipient of the Government's largesse is a 31-year-old Kosovan, Valent Xhigolli, who was smuggled here from Albania.
After being turned down for asylum, he shacked up in a bedsit in Wembley, living on benefits.
Mr Xhigolli is now the proud owner of a car workshop in Kosovo, courtesy of the mug
British taxpayer. He arrived in the back of a lorry and left on a gravy train.
Then there's the 30-year-old Armenian, who came here illegally, but after three years decided he was homesick. "I realised that London was not for me. I felt like an alien," he grumbled.
You and me both, pal. The difference is that if I applied for a government grant to go and open a beach bar in Barbados, I'd be told to take a running jump.
We bought him a farm. There couldn't be a more graphic illustration of the extent to which those in charge of what passes for our immigration system have lost all touch with reality.
They don't have the faintest idea how many people are living here illegally, who or where they are.
But they are willing to write out a blank cheque to encourage them to go home.
The scheme is being advertised in foreign language newspapers.
There's nothing to prevent anyone turning up on a day trip to London, claiming to have been here for years and volunteering to go home in exchange for a grant to open a tattoo parlour in Tirana.
It defies belief, even in the Looking Glass world of New Labour.
How many British citizens could use a nice little start-up grant to escape their mundane jobs and set themselves up in business?
While NHS patients are being denied life- saving drugs on the grounds they're too expensive, the Government is playing Father Christmas, throwing money at hairdressing salons in Harare.
A few years ago, after the Afghan airliner hijack at Stansted, I invented a game show called ASYLUM! in which contestants from all over the world merely had to set foot in Britain to be showered with benefits, free homes and cars.
It took on a life of its own and ended up doing the rounds on the internet. A columnist on another newspaper actually downloaded it and passed it off as all her own work.
But despite my fertile imagination, I never thought that the Government would start shovelling four grand in the direction of bogus refugees to help them open ostrich farms and internet cafes in their homelands.
Even I couldn't make that up.
This week's festive edition of You Couldn't Make It Up comes from an ostrich farm in Iran and is brought to you as part of a £
36 million sponsorship deal with the Government.That's how much ministers have spent so far bribing illegal immigrants to go home.
Failed asylum seekers are being given grants of £4,000 each to help them set up businesses in their country of origin.
As well as the aforementioned Iranian ostrich farm, British taxpayers are also bankrolling a beauty salon in Zimbabwe, a car dealership in Kenya, an Islamic dress shop in Sudan, a ferry in the Democratic Republic of Congo, a hotel in Nepal, a shoe factory in China, a market stall in Jamaica and an internet cafe in Ecuador.
Oh, I nearly forgot the fish farm in Angola and the Albanian vineyard.
A Sunday newspaper reporter turned up at the Home Office-funded International Organisation of Migration posing as a bogus refugee from India.
He said had been living here illegally for 11 years and had most recently been making a living selling drugs.
He told his case officer that he wanted to return to India to open a travel agency to help more illegal immigrants come to Britain.
Despite his admission of criminality and the dubious nature of his alleged enterprise - which would actually make illegal immigration worse - the official drew him up a business plan and promised him a grant of £4,000, enough for an airline ticket, rent, a car, office equipment and three months' money for two members of staff.
So far, more than 23,000 people have taken advantage of this ludicrous scheme.
Why wouldn't they, especially when there's nothing to stop them returning to Britain when the money runs out?
With warped logic, the Home Office tries to justify this lunacy by claiming it works out cheaper than forced deportation, which costs £11,000 a head.
Where do they get that figure from? How much can a pair of handcuffs and a one-way goat class ticket cost?
One lucky recipient of the Government's largesse is a 31-year-old Kosovan, Valent Xhigolli, who was smuggled here from Albania.
After being turned down for asylum, he shacked up in a bedsit in Wembley, living on benefits.
Mr Xhigolli is now the proud owner of a car workshop in Kosovo, courtesy of the mug
British taxpayer. He arrived in the back of a lorry and left on a gravy train.
Then there's the 30-year-old Armenian, who came here illegally, but after three years decided he was homesick. "I realised that London was not for me. I felt like an alien," he grumbled.
You and me both, pal. The difference is that if I applied for a government grant to go and open a beach bar in Barbados, I'd be told to take a running jump.
We bought him a farm. There couldn't be a more graphic illustration of the extent to which those in charge of what passes for our immigration system have lost all touch with reality.
They don't have the faintest idea how many people are living here illegally, who or where they are.
But they are willing to write out a blank cheque to encourage them to go home.
The scheme is being advertised in foreign language newspapers.
There's nothing to prevent anyone turning up on a day trip to London, claiming to have been here for years and volunteering to go home in exchange for a grant to open a tattoo parlour in Tirana.
It defies belief, even in the Looking Glass world of New Labour.
How many British citizens could use a nice little start-up grant to escape their mundane jobs and set themselves up in business?
While NHS patients are being denied life- saving drugs on the grounds they're too expensive, the Government is playing Father Christmas, throwing money at hairdressing salons in Harare.
A few years ago, after the Afghan airliner hijack at Stansted, I invented a game show called ASYLUM! in which contestants from all over the world merely had to set foot in Britain to be showered with benefits, free homes and cars.
It took on a life of its own and ended up doing the rounds on the internet. A columnist on another newspaper actually downloaded it and passed it off as all her own work.
But despite my fertile imagination, I never thought that the Government would start shovelling four grand in the direction of bogus refugees to help them open ostrich farms and internet cafes in their homelands.
Even I couldn't make that up.
Note from Pecoz - I highlighted that comment about patients being denied drugs from the NHS (National Health Service) for you folks that think national gov'mint health care is the be all answer! BTW, £4,000 is about $7,000 for you that ain't bought one lately...
Scary part is.... the US of A would save money if we gave 'em all $7,000 and they promised to go home and stay there!
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